i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.
oh fuck your right
To think... Somewhere, too drunk by buckcherry is someone's theme song
Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true
We were making out in the bushes when some dude comes and starts peeing beside us.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.
Just saying. If you end up in canada tomorrow morning at least youll have my text to remind you how it happened
He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
He just snapchatted me a picture of his cock. The angle makes it look like a freakin skyscraper. Thinking of photoshopping a little monkey on it.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
My mom just came upstairs handed me an Adderall and asked if I could help her wash the ceilings
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