her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.
On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
It's days like today, when my bra and underwear match, that make me feel like I'm getting my life together...
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
There are condoms rolled onto each bunny ear of the ears I was wearing last night
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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