I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
is there a reason why there is cup of piss in the fridge?
no
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
It's really sad that I'm trying to calculate in my head the type of place to have dinner that's worth anal
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
QUIT RUINING DICK PICTURE DAY
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
I solemnly swear I will not get your boyfriend puke in public drunk again
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Just by hearing the girl outside reciting the info on her fake ID, I know it's gonna be a good night
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Randomize
