im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra
You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
We are going to need a water proof camera with a flash....exit routes....lots of booze.....and a tutu for good measure
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
I'm thinking blowjobs and wheelchair sex should be part of any post-injury wellness plan.
I just pulled the nickels from earlier out of my bra in class. The guy next to me is either terrified or intrigued.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
Why were u walkin around mc with a toilet bowl lid handcuffed to u and carrying a stuffed Teddy bear last night?
Randomize
