How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO GET MY FUCKING CUPCAKES WHEN THE GROUNDSWORKER I HOOKED UP WITH IS LOITERING IN THE VENDING AREA
Today is all about not throwing up, where the fuck are my keys and does anyone know what happened to that guy in the panda suit my roommate had sex with last night.
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
We need to get me chipped asap
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
