I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
i feel like pocahontas...the disney character not from real chance of love
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
the elusive kegmastree, who's mystery is only exceeded by it's power
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
I have a gash on my leg an a lobster leg in my purse.
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I'm stuck in a tree and request your assistance ASAP
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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