Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
He's got serious oatmeal ass...take a moment and admire how google voice to text was able to detect oatmeal ass....twice
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
If it wasn't for the fact that I drink during my lunch break I'm pretty sure I would have quit this job by now
I'm about to get my nails done. Would the polish name "meet me at the altar" be too straight forward for a first date?
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
i puked in a jesus candle last night and then denied it... i'd say it was a pretty alright night
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
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