How many nights a week you wake up with sticky boxers cause you were dreaming of Clay Aiken? Your wife mad?
"Reality" and all separate lives are the same thing?... We all have separate realities?! My life Has one reality and yours has another?
Haha how much did you smoke
4 feet of smokeee!
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
i'm having the hardest time convincing my roommates to go dumpster diving for pizza with me. i really miss you..
Look man, sometimes you just gotta say "Sure! Why not? I can always take a shower afterwards"
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
It feels like the devil is humping my brain with his razor sharp erection.
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
He came into my room last night and started peeing underneath my desk, I told him the bathroom was the next door over.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
Randomize
