I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do
I was chocking and even did the sign for it..And you continued to just laugh
That would explain his violent outburst while watching barefoot contessa...
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Is there a non-awkward way to tell a girl I work with that she looks just like my favourite pornstar?
I have a lot of questions this morning, most of them start with "Did I..."
There's no winning that game with me. It's either "Can I walk home at the end of the night," or "am I throwing up trying to sleep in the front yard." Rules are irrelevant.
I say this as a friend, you would make a SPECTACULAR crossdresser
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
Randomize
