Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
For some reason, my father is not responding to the 5 texts I sent him that all read: "Dad dad dad dad dad dddaadd dddddaaaaaaaaad dad".
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
And think got sick again from going outside naked. Word to all females...don't try the naked trench coat thing.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
Hey, you can never be fully sure you're straight until you jerk off to gay porn
Who put my cat in the fridge?
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
Randomize