This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism
how many days can you live off of Vicodin and frosty?? im going on 4 days......
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I drank, I fought, I made my ancestors proud.
And then someone hit me with a pool cue
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
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