Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
I wonder how many times I can be hungover in one day
just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Hey girl, do you remember you made me brush your hair with a plastic fork on Saturday night?
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
SEX BINGO!
Canadian or clown?
I can't tell if my heart is fluttering because I love him... or if it's palpitating from all the coke.
MANIFESTATION IS REAL AND IM GETTING LAID TONIGHT
Randomize
