she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I have a pocket in my purse that is just for condoms and cocktail swords. I feel like that speaks volumes about me as a person
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
Because I was drunk or stoned for 4 days. I either made terrible decisions or none at all.
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
He's like a sexy bearded lumberjack who likes wine.. I can't lose..
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
No one can explain why there is Dora the Explorer shampoo in my shower...
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