Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
Randomize
