You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Weddings at vineyards should never be allowed to happen. I'm pretty sure I drank every bottle they produced in 2008.
He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.
let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Burnt my ear trying to use the bathroom blow dryer as a telephone.
Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
Tell me about it I woke up on your couch with only my underwear on and a 26 year old wrapped around me. I thought my thirties would be different.
Remember that guy I fucked last month? Well I'm watching his dog this weekend while he's in the Bahamas with his girlfriend. What is my life
is it fun? or sober?
You were arrested in a tiara again... maybe you shouldn’t wear one.
We're about to get drunk and it feels wrong without you
Randomize
