nut hugger
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
so you ordered business cards online last night with a picture of your dick on them. you need to hide that new credit card when you drink
If I die on my walk home, please come claim the body. There is $30 in my left shoe for you....for pizza
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
If I look at him, he starts sobbing. Please come get him; he's scaring the cats.
Randomize
