Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
just to let you know its hard to talk to your father while being fingered up against a car..
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
You called me to pick you up from the bar at 9:00. When we drove over the speed bumps you put your hands in the air and pretended you were on a roller coaster.
I also have to vacuum the broken noodles out of my suitcase...
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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