Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
His shirt was in the kitchen sink this morning, I'm pretty sure my roommates know.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
I talked to the pizza guy for 10 minutes about my truck, I don't even have a truck
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
IF YOU DIE ON LSD YOU DIE FOR REAL
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize