There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
I haven't been this unsober in a long time. I feel like I am observing myself. Like I am a test subject for alcohol. I wish my brain would shut up and let me be a normal drunk.
We both got free alcohol and got laid by foreign men last night.
I'm not going out again for the rest of my life. I can't top this.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
Okay... I just said "preach it" to the pokemon theme song. I'm hammered.
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
Randomize
