I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
Eric got herpes from Jo-ann
That's what he deserves for hooking up with a french canadian
i'm sorry if your life is a sore subject
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
Randomize
