I feel like my sweat is 40 proof right now
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Well I talked to some Canadians today, and I'm keeping a vigilant watch for sharks, so I'm pretty booked up.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I was wondering how I got the burn marks on my boobs and then I remembered....
The baked potato bra?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I have 7 papers to write and I already bought gas station ice cream in my pjs and questioned whether or not a beer float was a thing.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Im just confused who has their mom break up with someone
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
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