I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.
her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.
I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
Well if your hearts not big enough, your penis certainly is. Just have a threesome
Today I learned I and my bar naps were the subject of a bar meeting.
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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