i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.
I love foreign exchange students.
I'll make a Jello mold of your face so everyone can get drunk off your face
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I never notice how majestic and beautiful my cat is unless I'm blazed
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
I was randomly pulled aside to have my bag checked. It had 50 condoms in it.
why is there a shopping cart in my back seat? and a dick drawn on the side of my car?
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