chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
I have a 30 pack and enough condoms to last until tomorrow morning. Have Mystery Science Theater 3000 ready. I'm on my way over.
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I had my first "Damn Kids/When I Was That Age" rant at work today. We need to drink this feeling out of me. NOW.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
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