Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
So we were in the middle of hooking up when he stopped me. I thought he was having a moral dilemma about the whole having a girlfriend thing. But no. He got down on all fours, butt naked, and started throwing up and farting simultaneously. I took it as my cue to leave.
Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Of all the things I am low enough to do, how could you even doubt if that was one of them?
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
OPIZZABONMYDICK
I woke up in a hospital at three in the morning only to realize my pee is now going to be orange. I've grown to realize I've made all the right decisions
possibly one of my favorite moments was wiping it off your nose after you high fived a bouncer
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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