I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
I JUST WOKE UP ON A TRAIN
I SHUDNT B ON A TRAIN
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
And we should impose a 'friends don't let friends order 25 shots at last call' rule
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I woke up naked with a duck on my head. I think something went horribly wrong.
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
Had phone sex with my boss who I still haven’t seen in person. How’s your Monday ?
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