When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit
You swear the intervention is for her? I've fallen for that one twice.
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I mean, I've had her boob in my mouth, but is that romance?
This whole quitting my bad habits all at once is really messing with my ability to function.
For future reference: When the bouncer is approaching you to remove you from his bar, you don't respond by taking off your pants.
Congratulations! We have a period
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