I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
walked into my roommates bathroom to her throwing up a quesadilla while singing come on skinny taco
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
who knew magic tricks and sex would actually go together?
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
These morning walks of shame have became my morning jogs
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Please don't give away my fajitas
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize