if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
I'm also 3/4 on the frats. Its like my goal of traveling to all 7 continents, but different somehow and a lot less morally sound.
he said i balance and complete him. i feel sick
I lost my flask somewhere between dancing shirtless to The Spice Girls and walking around Wawa opening/eating things and putting them back.
DON'T WEAR PANTS.
I REPEAT.
DO. NOT. WEAR. TROUSERS.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
As I came the Sportcenter app played that "dah nuh nuh" chime. Top ten life highlight?
I was a plus one at an intervention for a person I didn't know.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
just drove past - why are you walking towards the shop in your pyjamas?
Can't talk, on a quest for bacon.
You some how ended up sleeping on one of the beams that run along the ceiling of your house
Randomize
