Don't make out with my wife yet
Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"
bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
Also I feel I should tell you last night when I came home I fell into my laundry hamper and woke up in a pile of my clothes
I'd give my right arm to start my period. My right arm. Thats more significant then my left.
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Apparently I gave a guy a hand job on the dance floor. ON THE DANCE FLOOR.
Randomize
