i need an iv and a liver transplant
I had another sleeping on concrete incident.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
all i remember is stealing his cheesepuffs and shaving my vagina in the hotel lobby
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
I just had some kinky fun in the back seat of my car behind a Ralph's in south county. How's your thanksgiving eve?
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I was dressed as Waldo and the cops kept saying looks like we fuckin found you
u ever get horny for food. i ordered a bunch of crepes and its doin it 4 me
Randomize
