fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate
he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
