I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
My bra smells like weed because there's weed in my bra
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.
NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
She was doing drunken zumba and screaming "FUCK YOU I HAVE MY OWN STYLE!" at the TV
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
the good news is I finally used my captain america waffle maker to make captain america waffles
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
