I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve
I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.
you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend
You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.
Watching him and my sister argue over a rum and coke about who's going to chop the coffee table in half with a hatchet...
CAN I WEAR ASSLESS CHAPS TO SUNDAY BRUNCH OF JUDGEMENT????
That happens a lot to the people around me. It's like I'm radioactive but instead of cancer, you get desensitized to the word cunt
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
You kicked me our in the middle of a blizzard with a dead phone. I had to give my watch to a pizza delivery person to take me home. You owe me a gyro too.
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
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