So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
You were great dude. You wanted to charge the guy with fedora $100 to get in.
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Is Oprah even human
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
So, I woke up under a table with an alarm clock on my face, my hair in a bag of popcorn, and my phone charger wrapped around me.. what happened?
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
