I just woke up and found a naked man on my floor. Looks like Dad had a wild night of strip poker
how do you clear previous safari searches on an iPhone? i asked my brother to google something for me and "big penis" "empire chinese food" and "reverse cowgirl" popped up.
Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.
All I remember from last night is petting the broom with my feet and feeling like I was standing on a horses head
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
I can't sleep. My mind keeps asking "turn down for what?" but it won't accept any of my answers.
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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