he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport
Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Also he didn't buy condoms after we ran out last week. Luckily I had one, but I told him he should be more optimistic about getting laid
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
i just had to ask the gas station attendant what state i was in... winning at life.
im in missouri by the way.
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
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