woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
God loves me. So high, craving Jimmy Johns chips, looked down, unopened bag in front of me. Still doesn't feel real
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I guess I'm an especially affectionate person under the influence of tequila.
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize