for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
I snorted a few ambien and woke up here. A lady banged on our door, waking us up, demanding our towels.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I'm wearing too many socks to be ok with this.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
saying, "have a good fall!" After fucking a virgin boy is good etiquette, right?
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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