Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
using my metrocard to split lines. it says optimism on the back. i am optimistic that you will appear at my door and help me finish all these drugs.
They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.
I will now send you explicit pics of mine and her genetalia bound together forever in the devils dance that is sexting.
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
Also-when I die, I want it to be with my arms above my head so that when rigor mortis sets in, my breasts are perky.
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
I am drunk at 8am listening to Cyndi Lauper and dressed up in a penguin suit
I'm totes in the mood to go home and like blindly inhale dangerous amounts of porn
Randomize
