Happy Easter!!!
I'm an idiot
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
