You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?
you inspire me to be a worse person
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
i think we watched the dark knight rises after you left but i might have passed out through most of it. I remember crying at the end though. sad tears then happy tears.
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I think my brain has decided it's boycotting life until it can do whatever it wants.
Also barcrawl friday. You ARE wearing a tiara
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
Randomize
