Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
My roommate still talks on AIM. What is this middle school?
i used baking grease as lip gloss
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
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