what i wouldnt give for a night at orourkes without seeing 3+people ive slept with
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
She just dipped a dollar bill in her queso dip and almost ate it before I slapped it out of her hand, no more bar crawls..
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
We just did a u turn on the highway to settle a dispute in a game of slug bug
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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