no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...
Sorry.
It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
Randomize
