I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
I never Thought the day id see a chick shove a 2liter up her vag. that happened last night
Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
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