FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
I've run into almost every guy I've ever slept with today. It's like they know just how horny I am.
Randomize
