Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.
She posts like 3 statuses a day pleading for pity. Responding positively would be like giving a dog a treat for shitting on the floor.
We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
How so I keep attracting the virgins? HOW?
You talk about your love for your ninja turtle onesie when you're drunk. Are you really surprised?
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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