Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
Just saw a girl duct tape a cigarette back together..I feel like my life is shambles for being present for this
I'm giving you a get out of sober free card for one of the nights
Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
While you wait, fill out your state patrol application. Not trying to be your mom, I just really want to fuck a cop.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
Sorry. Not doing life today. Love to. But can't.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
So here's a tip: don't give a blowjob the same morning you're going to the dentist. Cuz they will think you have "mouth trauma."
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
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