some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
Just licked cheese from my hot pocket off my phone. I spilled because I was eating a Popsicle at the same time. Send an adult please
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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