Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
So I've only had a mustache for about 5 minutes and I'm already pretty sure it's the best decision I've ever made.
...She then said get into the spirit and started making firecracker noises while having sex
At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You kept pointing at me and saying I'm getting chicken parmesan and no one is going to stop me
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
