If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
Considering last night's endeavors, I am going to hell 5 times over. 1 for puking on a hobo, 1 for laughing about it, and 3 for remembering it today and laughing about it sober
i think i pulled off the nice guy thing too well. it just backfired later on when she thought i was actually nice.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
Have introduced beer-pong to my work's Tuesday lunches.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I'm way too hungover for life right now
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I can feel your judgement through the phone
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Had a girl with a moustache tattoo on her hand give me a handjob. That shit was classy as fuck. I felt like I should be wearing a monocle or something.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize