dude, my own friends sent me home from a party last night. real cool assholes. real cool
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
If there was a tv show called "True Life: My 58 Year Old Dad Rolls Better J's Than Me" I'd be on it.
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
Randomize
