Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
If it looks like I didn't change from last night, it's because I didn't.
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
she danced around my room naked waving around the gold trojan magnum condoms singing "i have the golden ticket."
little did she know i was taping her the whole time.
True life I used my fake as a photo id for my final. My professor told me good luck and laughed. Hope the bouncers are in the St. Patrick's day spirit.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Pretty sure that I got the MVP of wedding reception... woke up on the bench in the hallway of a hotel and we did NOT start the night there.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
As he walked by me and gave me his dreamy smile full of dimples all i could think was 'I gave you chlamydia'.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
I really need to stop having sex.. I haven't been able to get a brush through the back of my hair for a good week and a half
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