you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
I mean... It's a win/win situation. I mentor the kid for an hour and then I get to fuck his mom. I know deep down I'm helping them both
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
I would be down to associate sex w taco bell
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
Randomize
