so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
he just booty called me in advance instead of waiting til 3 am when hes trashed. i think thats really considerate and gentlemanlike.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
I just got invited to party with a bunch of elderly lesbians I am in no position to offer life advice
This is possibly the most humiliating moment of my life. I have diarrhea, in a port-a-potty, at the Renaissance Festival.
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Randomize
