Have you finally orgasmed yet?
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I think if I could use my boobs as a second pair of hands everything would be ok
By the power invested in me, I now pronounce your taco to be meaty. Meaty taco meaty taco meaty meaty meaty taco.
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
We'll I told him I wanted to keep it PG last night, but then later I asked him to take his pants off. So i'm guessing it was my fault.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
I feel like I've asked you "are you okay?" one too many times in the last 48 hours. You're hopeless.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
I just set up a proportion to calculate how much Jolly Rancher vodka I can make with the limited amount of Jolly Ranchers I have. Finally, real-life application of math.
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
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