someone owes me an orgasm
I havnt had this much beer since i losodt my virginity. thank. god.
He called his prostate his "boner button".
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
And there was a legally blind kid in a ref costume doing surprisingly well at beer pong who was passing out business cards
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
Doing 9 month old dishes in my bath tub. These dishes literally had enough time to gestate a human child
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
she told him my safe word. I'm gonna casually work it into conversation and at him suggestively to see if he realizes i want to have rough sex with him
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
