I know you are passed out now but when you wake up in the morning your keys are in the freezer and your probly gunna want to apologize to your gf...
the best job he will get is a sex ed teacher in alabama
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
I can't believe he let me cut his hair as stoned as I was.. I think I even cut my own hair too
Please, take the 2 shots of vodka that I left as an apologie.
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Life Lesson #1 of 2013: double-fisting shower beers and shaving my bikini line should be reserved for two different showers.
I already tell everyone in my office my bf is at the Naval academy. It slipped one time and I can't go back on it now
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
