The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
Who topped off the "random beer mix" beer bong with a pinch of pepper?? All you could taste was busch and pepper...
You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
So I almost just died there. And we need a new garage door.
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
He passed out in my car.
What's the problem?
HE'S STILL IN MY FUCKING CAR.
Wearing panties to a party gives you a whole new perspective on life.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
