Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
she's lying on the floor with a bottle of vodka, belting shakira. plz advise.
So basically he tried to get out of the car and crawl on the highway with the broken leg because he didn't want to go to the hospital. It was not a good time...then we got pizza though.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
I just called the on campus pharmacy and asked the pharmacist to tell me how each one of my medications will react with "excess alcohol consumption". And I'm not even ashamed...I've reached a new low.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
David pulled a magic mike again and started stripping on every street sign we passed.
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
