true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext
Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
Ok here's the state of the situation: We're alone in a strange city with strange people with nothing but alcohol and sprite, I think we're gonna make it.
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
I'm hungover during 4th grade graduation practice. I AM THEIR FUTURE.
Someone who makes you cum so hard that you have an asthma attack is clearly your soulmate
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