I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.
Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.
WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Please tell me that is you having sex in my car in my driveway and not a complete stranger.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
Holy crap, church bells in Cibolo just scared the hell out of me. I'm pretty sure they were yelling sinner at me.
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
I just want him to get into an accident where he's horribly disfigured but otherwise fine so he's not so freaking handsome
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
i feel like the girl with kaleidoscope eyes except the kaleidoscopes are sparkly butt plugs
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