We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
Whenever he makes me dinner its always mini things.. cheeseburgers, corndogs.. is he preparing me for something?
I should be sponsored by Trojan
I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
Come find me, I'm the girl sitting alone in taco bell at 9 in the morning drinking concealed beer with a straw
you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
After I was kicked out of the last frat I blacked out, woke up in the hospital with no clothes no phone and no idea what happened last night. But i got hospital socks, thats a win in my book.
We got banned from that Whataburger for life. WHATABURGER. Which is saying something. They deal with drunk dumbasses every night.
Tequila happens.
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Randomize
