Joe is yelling at the trees again.
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
No we didn't have sex. I got my period on his finger.
Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
You told me I couldn't make out with you until I added you on LinkedIn
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
How does one tell their boyfriend they're pregnant with someone else's kid??
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
Randomize
